Lindsay Lohan Might Be On Dancing With The Stars

I am not a big fan of Dancing With The Stars or DWTS as I will refer to it here. They always try to get these bullshit talentless tabloid fixtures and then try to capitalize off their fame for ratings. A novel approach to television but dancing is pretty gay and the stars on the show are anything but. Now they want Lindsay Lohan and I can bet my left nut that she will not do the show because she is WAY too much of a diva to have to partner up with a... partner. Also, she can make more money by selling pics of herself to the paparazzi and placing ads on her Twitter timeline.

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Britney Got Beat

Remember that fucker from like a million years ago Jason Alexander? Not that fat fuck from Seinfeld, the other one that married Britney Spears for like 24 hours and then they called it quits. Her high school friend. According to him, in a failed attempt to gain another 15 minutes of fame said that Britney confided in him that her most recent boyfriend Jason Trawick beat Britney on multiple occasions and now Star magazine put that shit on their front cover in a pathetic attempt to compete in the tabloid world. It seems like they just like to post the most shocking story and then NEVER write a retraction when the story is shot down. I seriously doubt there is any truth to it at all but whatever.

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Neve Campbell Getting Divorced, Was Married?

Five months ago Neve Campbell divorced her husband of three years and we are just now hearing about it. The divorce is not final yet so she is "officially" on the market but that will come soon enough. Not that it matters really. I looked at some of the nude scenes she has done in recent movies in a failed attempt of reviving her career and I gotta say that she is one of the most boring people to look like naked. It's like "yep that's her ass. I hear she likes to poop from there" and that is about it.

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Jennifer Garner Does The Shopping

Ben Affleck sits on his ass at home and lets Jennifer Garner go out and do all the Christmas shopping he reveals to Ellen DeGeneres on her show. He says "It's a 50's thing". I am sure he also sits back in his easy chair wearing a smoking jacket and drinking a twice stirred vodka martini while she slaves in the kitchen and if the turkey is even slightly undercooked she gets the back of his hand. Oh how I miss the 50's. When everyone knew their role.

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Kate Gosselin Is Lonely

It seems that, according to sources, Kate Gosselin is not the happy go lucky chick she seems to portray on tv when her kids are around, trying to convince them that life is one big magical fairy tale. She doesn't have any friends and she wants to have some sort of partner in life so she can confide in them and maybe even, dun dun dun....trust them. Jon obviously isn't an option but I doubt any other man on the face of this planet is an option either because Kate, even though she rehabbed her demeanor, is still a bitch at heart. Maybe she can guest host The View or The Talk or one of those other shows that think that a woman with a bitchy attitude is "strong" and "important".

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Lindsay Lohan Wants To Ditch The Paparazzi

Lindsay Lohan thinks she is good to go behind a wheel of a car and the probation department and The Betty Ford clinic gave her the thumbs up. The only problem is, she is being followed by dozens of paparazzi no matter where she goes. Therefore, she is going to get a restraining order not against specific paparazzi but the paparazzi in general. Now I am not a paparazzo or a celebrity so I am not sure that is even possible but I am guessing it is unconstitutional for one person to get a restraining order against a vague group of individuals. Therefore, LiLo will be swarmed by paparazzi for the rest of her life and there isn't shit she can do about it. Maybe one of them can give her a lift?

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R.I.P. Leslie Nielsen

Over the weekend Hollywood lost one of it's most brightest and talented stars. Leslie Nielsen died at age 84. He was that hysterical fucker from Airplane and he even did another spoof comedy a few years back which name I can not recall at the moment but it involved him being naked in a church and it probably did well at the box office for the soul reason that he was in it. R.I.P. my good man.

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Britney Spears Still Likes The Fast Food

Britney Spears was photographed in her home town of Kentwood,Louisiana the other day getting a shitload of fast food at Sonic. I think Sonic is one of the burger joints in this country that I would consider bottom of the ringer. Their food sucks. But with people who have an addiction to shitty food, the grimier the better. She also picked up some food for her two sons Jayden and Sean. Of course the first lady Michelle Obama is all over the country trying to discourage childhood obesity and Britney Spears is single handedly dismantling that effort by setting a bad example for young mothers out there. Hey if Britney Spears is doing it, why can't I? Thanks Britney.

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I Wish This Wasn't Staged

Kim Kardashian and a shit load of other celebrities are going to sign off on Twitter and other social networking sites in an effort to raise $1 million for charities this week. I am sure sluts like Tila Tequila will not be able to keep their trap shut long enough to make the deadline but that is just one person. Kim Kardashian,Taylor Swift and Lady GaGa are just a few of the celebs that are pledging to keep quiet on the web while $ is being raised. Anyway, I am not a celebrity so I will not be keeping quiet but I am sure big egoed bloggers like Perez Hilton who thinks he is a celeb when all the real celebs giggle behind his back will stay quiet and then log back on the day after and take full credit on raising the big bucks.

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Taylor Swift Is Off The market

Taylor Swift was photographed over the holiday weekend getting coffee who is rumored to be her new boy toy Jake Gyllenhaal. Jake is 29 and Taylor is 20 so this is somewhat creepy but it makes sense that Jake wants to get a real piece of ass instead of some used up granny in her thirties. I personally would do just about anything to get in Taylor's panties but she refuses to answer my Twitter replies. I think this is a pretty cool hook-up but Jake is a "straight edged" type of guy and not a douche bag who owns an HD camcorder so the chances of him capitalizing on this relationship by documenting their sexcapades and selling it to a third party is damn near zilch. Anyway, I am pretty happy for them. Are you? Sound off in the comments below.

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Heidi Fleiss' Home Goes Up In Smoke

Remember that Hollywood slut that banged all those movie stars forever ago? Well her name was Heidi Fliess and why anyone would want to bang her, celebrity or otherwise is beyond me. She is truly a dog. Anyway, her crib went up in smoke the other day just before Thanksgiving. I am guessing she dropped the zippo while trying to burn the crabs off her crotch but that is only an educated guess. I could be wrong but collegiate degree holding professors at the nation's leading ivy leagues agree with me.

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Lindsay Lohan Tweets

Lindsay Lohan took a break from rehab this week to attend Thanksgiving in L.A. with her dad. While she was out she managed to Tweet a quote from Tom Cruise's Vanilla Sky. I am not sure what she is trying to convey here but it is Lindsay Lohan so you can be rest assured that it doesn't make any sense. I miss her superficial and pointless Tqeets and I look forward to her getting out of rehab and either changing her life around and validating all my blog posts about her so I don't feel like I am wasting my time or spinning out of control more so than ever before. Either way, truly I will be happy. Only if she fucks up again, rehab will no longer be only the table and she will go to the striped bary place where the food sucks.

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Jessica Simpson Is Boring

Angelina Jolie isn't the only cunt celebrity out there to fuck up the awesome tradition that is Thanksgiving. Jessica Simpson is going to have a tofu turkey this year with her fag vegan fiance. This sounds terrible but since everyone is on Jessica's case about her weight, maybe a little vegan food is good for her. She also tells People magazine that her fiance asked everyone in the family if he could have their blessing before he popped the question to Jessica. "Everyone knew but me" she cooed.

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Kelly Preston Had A Puppy

Kelly Preston and John Travolta are now happy parents again. She looks pretty good for being as old as she is and I am not sure what the fuck John is going to do with a newborn baby when he is in his 50s. I mean this kid is basically going to grow up without a dad cause John thinks he is cool because he is a pilot but his ass flies too much and when people fly too much, they die in airplane accidents. I am still pretty happy for them. Especially since they are naming the kid after me. Thanks guys. (wtf?)

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Fuck Angelina Jolie

It seems that Angelina Jolie is back up to her "my shit don't stink" tricks again. She says she doesn't celebrate Thanksgiving because it is a "story of murder". Considering her fucked up transgender offspring wants a dead pet and Angelina used to shoot heroin while hanging pics of dead people in her loft, I don't see why she would have a problem with that. The people here at Notorious News (and by people I mean me) think that Thanksgiving is one of the best holidays of the year. It is right up there with MLK Day and Veteran's Day. LOVING Thanksgiving and this Thanksgiving Eve I am headed to St.Louis to I can eat some awesome food tomorrow and acknowledge how truly lucky I am to live in the best country in the world. #USA!

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Taylor Momsen Is Suspended From Gossip Girl

I do not watch Gossip Girl because it looks like one of those shows that are much more popular than they deserve to be and are in the same arena as Glee and Dancing With The Stars. One hotty from the show is Taylor Momsen who I have a crush on even though she is only 17. I expect lots of sexiness from this young minx once she becomes legal. And to top everything off she is in a band called The Pretty Reckless that makes some damn fine music. Miley turns 18 today but I am counting down for this future tabloid target.

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Kat Von D's House Burned Down

Unfortunately Kat Von D's house burned down the other day. It is a real shame because she is such a great person and she doesn't deserve this. To make matters worse, she lost her cat Valentine in the blaze. Kat Von D is currently on a book tour for The Tattoo Chronicles which is seriously need to pick up. She is headed over to Europe where she has a buttload of signing dates. I adore this woman and hope that she will be able to get a new crib once she is back in the states.

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Kate Gosselin Threatens Her Kids

Kate Gosselin allegedly told two of her six sextuplets that they were not going to go to heaven because "Jesus does not love bad people" because they got expelled from school. I gotta say that Kate is truly getting better with age because every time I see new pictures of her, she looks better and better. I think she is a REALLY shitty parent though and even if I liked watching tv, I wouldn't watch Kate Plus 8. I saw the first few season when it was still called Jon and Kate Plus 8 but that was before the tabloid media storm hit. #TeamJon people.

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Miley Cyrus Is Dating A Vampire

Today is Miley Cyrus' 18th birthday and I am a lot less excited about it than other people are. Her snaggletooth turns me off and I find her voice annoying and her personality even more annoying. Not that I wouldn't be happy with nude pics. I encourage them, but I won't get as excited as most pervs will. Here she is still a minor getting her neck sucked by some douche bag who was lucky enough to be in the same room with her after Miley had a few drinks.

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Christina Aguilera May Be Pregnant Too

Last night was the AMAs and I never watch that shit but a lot of famous people got all decked out and attended. Amongst them was Christina Aguilera who was looking noticeably preggers. She is one of the few hot chicks that can have a stomach the size of Texas and I would still want to bang her. She just got divorced from Jason Bratman and is trying desperately to get attention by going to Hollywood hot spots and trying to get photographed by paparazzi after a failing album just a few months back. Long story short, she will never fit in with the Lady GaGa era. She is pregnant though so she has more important things to deal with besides fame.