Jennifer Garner Does The Shopping

Ben Affleck sits on his ass at home and lets Jennifer Garner go out and do all the Christmas shopping he reveals to Ellen DeGeneres on her show. He says "It's a 50's thing". I am sure he also sits back in his easy chair wearing a smoking jacket and drinking a twice stirred vodka martini while she slaves in the kitchen and if the turkey is even slightly undercooked she gets the back of his hand. Oh how I miss the 50's. When everyone knew their role.

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Kate Gosselin Is Lonely

It seems that, according to sources, Kate Gosselin is not the happy go lucky chick she seems to portray on tv when her kids are around, trying to convince them that life is one big magical fairy tale. She doesn't have any friends and she wants to have some sort of partner in life so she can confide in them and maybe even, dun dun dun....trust them. Jon obviously isn't an option but I doubt any other man on the face of this planet is an option either because Kate, even though she rehabbed her demeanor, is still a bitch at heart. Maybe she can guest host The View or The Talk or one of those other shows that think that a woman with a bitchy attitude is "strong" and "important".

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Lindsay Lohan Wants To Ditch The Paparazzi

Lindsay Lohan thinks she is good to go behind a wheel of a car and the probation department and The Betty Ford clinic gave her the thumbs up. The only problem is, she is being followed by dozens of paparazzi no matter where she goes. Therefore, she is going to get a restraining order not against specific paparazzi but the paparazzi in general. Now I am not a paparazzo or a celebrity so I am not sure that is even possible but I am guessing it is unconstitutional for one person to get a restraining order against a vague group of individuals. Therefore, LiLo will be swarmed by paparazzi for the rest of her life and there isn't shit she can do about it. Maybe one of them can give her a lift?

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R.I.P. Leslie Nielsen

Over the weekend Hollywood lost one of it's most brightest and talented stars. Leslie Nielsen died at age 84. He was that hysterical fucker from Airplane and he even did another spoof comedy a few years back which name I can not recall at the moment but it involved him being naked in a church and it probably did well at the box office for the soul reason that he was in it. R.I.P. my good man.

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Britney Spears Still Likes The Fast Food

Britney Spears was photographed in her home town of Kentwood,Louisiana the other day getting a shitload of fast food at Sonic. I think Sonic is one of the burger joints in this country that I would consider bottom of the ringer. Their food sucks. But with people who have an addiction to shitty food, the grimier the better. She also picked up some food for her two sons Jayden and Sean. Of course the first lady Michelle Obama is all over the country trying to discourage childhood obesity and Britney Spears is single handedly dismantling that effort by setting a bad example for young mothers out there. Hey if Britney Spears is doing it, why can't I? Thanks Britney.

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I Wish This Wasn't Staged

Kim Kardashian and a shit load of other celebrities are going to sign off on Twitter and other social networking sites in an effort to raise $1 million for charities this week. I am sure sluts like Tila Tequila will not be able to keep their trap shut long enough to make the deadline but that is just one person. Kim Kardashian,Taylor Swift and Lady GaGa are just a few of the celebs that are pledging to keep quiet on the web while $ is being raised. Anyway, I am not a celebrity so I will not be keeping quiet but I am sure big egoed bloggers like Perez Hilton who thinks he is a celeb when all the real celebs giggle behind his back will stay quiet and then log back on the day after and take full credit on raising the big bucks.

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Taylor Swift Is Off The market

Taylor Swift was photographed over the holiday weekend getting coffee who is rumored to be her new boy toy Jake Gyllenhaal. Jake is 29 and Taylor is 20 so this is somewhat creepy but it makes sense that Jake wants to get a real piece of ass instead of some used up granny in her thirties. I personally would do just about anything to get in Taylor's panties but she refuses to answer my Twitter replies. I think this is a pretty cool hook-up but Jake is a "straight edged" type of guy and not a douche bag who owns an HD camcorder so the chances of him capitalizing on this relationship by documenting their sexcapades and selling it to a third party is damn near zilch. Anyway, I am pretty happy for them. Are you? Sound off in the comments below.

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Linkage

Eva Longoria confronts Tony Parker's mistress- Celebrity Dirty Laundry

Anne Hathaway and Jake Gyllenhaal in their birthday suits- EarSucker

Make the holidays special by adopting a dog- City Rag

Paris Hilton sues over her hair extensions- Allie Is Wired

Joan Rivers has wrinkles on top of wrinkles- Celebrity Smack

Hire a goat to cut your grass- Geno's World

Fashionbytes- PopBytes

Heidi Fleiss' Home Goes Up In Smoke

Remember that Hollywood slut that banged all those movie stars forever ago? Well her name was Heidi Fliess and why anyone would want to bang her, celebrity or otherwise is beyond me. She is truly a dog. Anyway, her crib went up in smoke the other day just before Thanksgiving. I am guessing she dropped the zippo while trying to burn the crabs off her crotch but that is only an educated guess. I could be wrong but collegiate degree holding professors at the nation's leading ivy leagues agree with me.

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Lindsay Lohan Tweets

Lindsay Lohan took a break from rehab this week to attend Thanksgiving in L.A. with her dad. While she was out she managed to Tweet a quote from Tom Cruise's Vanilla Sky. I am not sure what she is trying to convey here but it is Lindsay Lohan so you can be rest assured that it doesn't make any sense. I miss her superficial and pointless Tqeets and I look forward to her getting out of rehab and either changing her life around and validating all my blog posts about her so I don't feel like I am wasting my time or spinning out of control more so than ever before. Either way, truly I will be happy. Only if she fucks up again, rehab will no longer be only the table and she will go to the striped bary place where the food sucks.

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Happy Thanksgiving!

It is that time of year when we all sit around and stuff our faces and watch football in a triptophan induced state of drowsiness. I love this holiday because of the food, the friends, the food, the family and did I mention the food. Everyone be safe out there and don't get killed on Back Friday!

Jessica Simpson Is Boring

Angelina Jolie isn't the only cunt celebrity out there to fuck up the awesome tradition that is Thanksgiving. Jessica Simpson is going to have a tofu turkey this year with her fag vegan fiance. This sounds terrible but since everyone is on Jessica's case about her weight, maybe a little vegan food is good for her. She also tells People magazine that her fiance asked everyone in the family if he could have their blessing before he popped the question to Jessica. "Everyone knew but me" she cooed.

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Kelly Preston Had A Puppy

Kelly Preston and John Travolta are now happy parents again. She looks pretty good for being as old as she is and I am not sure what the fuck John is going to do with a newborn baby when he is in his 50s. I mean this kid is basically going to grow up without a dad cause John thinks he is cool because he is a pilot but his ass flies too much and when people fly too much, they die in airplane accidents. I am still pretty happy for them. Especially since they are naming the kid after me. Thanks guys. (wtf?)

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Fuck Angelina Jolie

It seems that Angelina Jolie is back up to her "my shit don't stink" tricks again. She says she doesn't celebrate Thanksgiving because it is a "story of murder". Considering her fucked up transgender offspring wants a dead pet and Angelina used to shoot heroin while hanging pics of dead people in her loft, I don't see why she would have a problem with that. The people here at Notorious News (and by people I mean me) think that Thanksgiving is one of the best holidays of the year. It is right up there with MLK Day and Veteran's Day. LOVING Thanksgiving and this Thanksgiving Eve I am headed to St.Louis to I can eat some awesome food tomorrow and acknowledge how truly lucky I am to live in the best country in the world. #USA!

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Taylor Momsen Is Suspended From Gossip Girl

I do not watch Gossip Girl because it looks like one of those shows that are much more popular than they deserve to be and are in the same arena as Glee and Dancing With The Stars. One hotty from the show is Taylor Momsen who I have a crush on even though she is only 17. I expect lots of sexiness from this young minx once she becomes legal. And to top everything off she is in a band called The Pretty Reckless that makes some damn fine music. Miley turns 18 today but I am counting down for this future tabloid target.

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Kat Von D's House Burned Down

Unfortunately Kat Von D's house burned down the other day. It is a real shame because she is such a great person and she doesn't deserve this. To make matters worse, she lost her cat Valentine in the blaze. Kat Von D is currently on a book tour for The Tattoo Chronicles which is seriously need to pick up. She is headed over to Europe where she has a buttload of signing dates. I adore this woman and hope that she will be able to get a new crib once she is back in the states.

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Kate Gosselin Threatens Her Kids

Kate Gosselin allegedly told two of her six sextuplets that they were not going to go to heaven because "Jesus does not love bad people" because they got expelled from school. I gotta say that Kate is truly getting better with age because every time I see new pictures of her, she looks better and better. I think she is a REALLY shitty parent though and even if I liked watching tv, I wouldn't watch Kate Plus 8. I saw the first few season when it was still called Jon and Kate Plus 8 but that was before the tabloid media storm hit. #TeamJon people.

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Miley Cyrus Is Dating A Vampire

Today is Miley Cyrus' 18th birthday and I am a lot less excited about it than other people are. Her snaggletooth turns me off and I find her voice annoying and her personality even more annoying. Not that I wouldn't be happy with nude pics. I encourage them, but I won't get as excited as most pervs will. Here she is still a minor getting her neck sucked by some douche bag who was lucky enough to be in the same room with her after Miley had a few drinks.

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Christina Aguilera May Be Pregnant Too

Last night was the AMAs and I never watch that shit but a lot of famous people got all decked out and attended. Amongst them was Christina Aguilera who was looking noticeably preggers. She is one of the few hot chicks that can have a stomach the size of Texas and I would still want to bang her. She just got divorced from Jason Bratman and is trying desperately to get attention by going to Hollywood hot spots and trying to get photographed by paparazzi after a failing album just a few months back. Long story short, she will never fit in with the Lady GaGa era. She is pregnant though so she has more important things to deal with besides fame.

Lindsay Lohan Lost Her Job

Lindsay Lohan is 100% uninsurable. A lot of movie companies have to take out insurance on their actors and actresses and that means that they can shoot the entire length of the film and nothing will happen to that actress, rehab included. Everyone thinks she will relapse. I think so too. Anyway, now she lost her job to star in the Linda Lovelace Biopic and she is being replaced with a much hotter actress named Malin Akerman which is on some unmentionable show on cable. I def wanna see Malin naked MUCH MORE than LiLo.

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Jessica Simpson Is Double Chined, Possibly Pregnant

It seems that Jessica Simpson may not have gotten engaged just because her ex husband Nick Lachey promised to get hitched. She may possibly be with child. If you look at the pic to the left and search the net for more recent Jessica Simpson pics, she looks to have a double chin. Now this could be because of food but I think it is because she is preggers. I would love to be her gynecologist but I would like to be him even if she wasn't pregnant.

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This Is Tony Parker's Mistress

OK so I think in my own professional and heterosexual opinion this woman is pretty hot. In case you have been hiding under a rock for the past 24 hours, Eva Longoria filed for divorce papers from her husband of three years Tony Parker. He was sexting with this bitch named Erin Barry (pictured to the left) and now their marriage is over. Eva made it official on her Twitter page that the couple are dunzo. This is good news for me because now I will have a chance to slip a mickey in Eva's drink the next time I see her at a club and I won't have to worry about a concerned husband sweeping in in the middle of the night and taking her home safely when I had some very dirty intentions up my sleeve. Anyway, I don't think this chick, Erin, is really an attention whore so I doubt she will be making statements to the press and whatnot and trying to get her own little homemade sex tape with Vivid Entertainment anytime soon. Afterall, this is an affair that occurred to Eva Longoria and let's face it, no one really gives a shit about that slut anyway.

Jessica Simpson Buys Her Own Bling

In more engagement ring news... Jessica Simpson paid for her own engagement ring. You know a bitch is desperate to get off the market when she sort of proposes for you. I am convinced that Jessica is only getting married because it was announced last week that Nick Lachey was going to get hitched to Vanessa Minnillo. Anyway, maybe Jessica's new beau and Vanessa and Nick can get together and have a four way? I would like that. Minus the dudes.

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Kate Middleton Got Princess Diana's Ring

It has been made public as of a few days ago that Prince Harry has proposed to his long time girlfriend Kate Middleton but now it is being reported, and Prince Harry confirmed, that he proposed to his fiance with Princess Diana's engagement ring that she got in 1981. I think it is cool that Prince Harry pulled in such an amazing piece of ass. Kate Middleton is flat out hot and I hope they fuck a million times on their honeymoon. Congrats y'all!

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Eva Longoria Is Back On The Market And Then Taken Right Back Off

In possibly the quickest on the market, off the market move, Eva Longoria Parker was rumored to be divorcing from her husband Tony Parker and then immediately TMZ backpeddled. Everyone is speculating that TMZ was threatened with a lawsuit and a lot of gosspi blogger friends of mine are pissed that TMZ was so quick to pull the trigger. I just want my shot at seducing Eva before she has wrinkles.

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Men of the Year

GQ's 2010 Men of the Year Issues is on newstands on Nov. 23. This issue honors the year's achievers, leaders, and renegades with five separate covers:

Drake (“Breakout of the Year”)

Jeff Bridges (“Icon of the Year”)

Stephen Colbert (“Patriot of the Year”),

James Franco (“Leading Man of the Year”)

Scarlett Johansson (“Babe of the Year”)

Snooki Promotes Safe Sex

If there is anyone in thew world that should be promoting safe sex it is Snooki. Not only because she likes to "smush" all the time but because I would not wanna see this superficial chick be responsible for another human beings well being. Her birthday is going to be sponsored by Lifestyle condoms and I am sure she is going to make a fortune off of it. I am not all that big a fan of Jersey Shore but I think the majority of their cast members are pretty cool and I LOVE Snooki. If you are not already, follow her on Twitter ( @Sn00ki )

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Britney Spears Chills With Her Boy

It seems like Britney Spears hasn't really been in the tabloids much other than to Tweet here and there and mention that she is working on a new studio album. This chick is over and Lady GaGa is IN. But I still like Britney and think she is a good mom. It has been a while since she openly would drink and drive and put her offspring in the front seat of the car. She went out with Jayden which I believe is her oldest and grabbed lunch at Menches. Britney needs to step up her game if she is ever going to compete with Lady GaGa in the music world. Britney will always be a paprazzi target but who knows what her next album sales will be. I guess we will have to wait and see.

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Lindsay Lohan Wants To Go To NYC

It seems that Lindsay Lohan is not in the mood to hang around rehab anymore and I am sure this little big egoed bitch thinks she has blow concured but I have met quite a bit of drug addicts in my day and I know from experience that you can not get over something like cocaine in a few short weeks or months. It takes a LONG TIME. She is all smiles now because she has been clean but that is because she is being drug tested and living in a sober house for a while. Anyway, now she wants to go to NYC to see family for the holidays and God knows how that is going to turn out. There is actually no guarantee that she will be allowed to visit but I hope she gets to get out and chill with good people for a little while.

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Jessica Simpson Is Off The Market, Getting Prenup

I think I may have mentioned here before that Jessica Simpson is being taken off the market just days after Nick Lachey announced that he is marrying Vanessa Minnillo. This dude that Jessica is marrying of course is some big boned footballer guy because she can never give skinny guys a chance. Also, she is not signing a prenup. Which makes sense because let's face it, if anyone is going to be doing some golddigging in this relationship it is going to be Jessica. Let's hope this chick gets preggers soon, ruins her body and becomes an afterthought in the world of tabloids.

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Pink Truly Is Preggers

OK so the other day when I did a story thinking that Pink was pregnant with her first child, I had my doubts. And now there is a bikini pic (above) that proves that she truly is pregnant. How fucking cool would it be if Pink was your mom. Whoever this kid is that is about to pop out of her vagina, he/she should consider themselves lucky. I have seen a shitload of early pregnancy pics on Facebook and pregnant celebs and I can confirm 100% that Pink is with child. Good for her.

Sneak-Peek at Spider-Man the Musical in Vogue

With eye-popping sets, fierce costumes, and an electric young cast, Julie Taymor and Bono bring Spider-Man, the $60 Million rock musical, to Broadway. Vogue's contributing editor Adam Green went backstage at the Foxwoods Theatre to give readers an advance peek at the new production in the December issue on newsstands Nov. 23rd.

See the full feature HERE.

Photos Courtesy of Vogue by Annie Leibovitz.

ScarJo Is Babe of the Year

GQ has named Scarlett Johansson “Babe of the Year” as part of the 15th annual Men of the Year issue. The issue hits newsstands nationwide on Nov. 23. See more sneak-peek photos HERE.

Weekend Linkage

The Biebs is injured. Laugh Out Loud!- Celebrity Dirty Laundry

That hat makes Snoop Dog look stupid- City Rag

TGIFunbags!- Egotastic

Angelina Jolie is doing stuff- Popbytes

Heidi Klum looks better than everyone else- Seriously? OMG! WTF?

Gwyneth Paltrow can sing- Earsucker

Ke$ha will tour soon- Daily Stab

Russell Brand Lives In A Sitcom

It seems like life is just peachy for Russell Brand after taking one of the hottest hottys to hit Hollywood off the market. For this I hate him but I will forgive him quickly if he ever decides to hit record on a camcorder. He was talking to Us Weekly and mentioned that after putting on a shirt, Katy didn't like it and he said he felt like it was something out of a sitcom. Yes Russell, a very British, very corny sitcom. I couldn't imagine some bullshit like that being in a sitcom in the United States. I am sure after the interview Russell laughed and said, "It was so surreal I was waiting for a band of men to burst through the door dressed as women! Another spot o' tea?"

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Jane Fonda Has Breast Cancer

Usually I try to keep things peppy and slanderous here on Notorious News but this story is simply too big to ignore. Jane Fonda who has done so much cool stuff in the past including all her politcal work that people think fucked up her career, that I think is awesome, and her workout vids that my mother to this day uses on a regular basis to her awesome role in Monster In Law. All around this is a cool chick and it sucks that she has been diagnosed with breast cancer. Hopefulyl she can pull a Christina Applegate and get over the illness without too many imbrassive procedures. I am pulling for ya Jane. Keep up the good work!

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Teen Moms Are Fucked Up

I don't think kids who are like 15 years old should have kids. Or however old this Amber Portwood is. Not that I support abortion because going through with the pregnancy and giving the child up for adoption is always a good choice. Anyway this little twat thought it would be a great idea to have a kid and keep him all to herself even thought she was not ready financially or psychologically because she is greedy like that. Anyway, now she is talking to Us Weekly and is saying that the lowest point in her life was when child protective services took her kid away because of all the press camped out on her lawn. Why anyone would be fascinated with a situation like this is beyond me but there you have it.

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LiLo Has Changed. But Not That Much.

Lindsay Lohan apparently has a pretty fucked up grill because she had her wisdom teeth pulled just a couple months ago (sic: she took painkillers between court dates) and now she had dental surgery. Personally, if I underwent some crazy shit like that I would be poppin' oxycontin like they were going out of style but she is now refusing painkillers because she doesn't wanna fuck up any of the progress she has made in rehab. I am proud of her but let's face the facts here, she is not addicted to painkillers. She is addicted to cocaine and there is no telling if even after this huge stint at Betty Ford clinic she will change her ways and go on the straight and narrow. I am just glad they are giving this chick day passes away from the rehab house where she is living so the paparazzi can take pictures of her and give me shit to write about.

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Carrie Prejean Is Preggers

Carrie Prejean is pregnant. I can't say I am surprised because sexy people have more sex than you and me and when you have sex on a regular basis, it is just a matter of time before you get preggers. That is unless you are a guy. In which case your dick gets real tired and your jizz gets clear which usually means it is time to quit having sex.

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Happy Veterans Day!

It seems like a lot of holidays occur around this time of year most of which are superficial crap but Veterans Day is not one of them. It is probably the most significant holiday in our country. It is the time where the mail stops, banks close and we all acknowledge that the every day freedoms that so many are used to are not taken for granted. We remember those who served and are serving right now and who will serve in the future. Happy Veterans everybody! I hope everyone makes it a good one!

Jessica Simpson Is In Love. Aww how...::PUKE::

Pete Wentz, who is apparently a pro at romantic relationships says that Jessica Simpson is in love with this meat head fucker from NFL, Eric Johnson. I don't really see why Jessica can't try her hand at more normal dudes but I guess that by fucking celebrities she will keep herself relevant. That and by selling the most hideous and repulsive shit at Macy's. Anyway, I think Ashlee is one of the most beautiful women in the world and any story that is remotely relevant to Ashlee, I will write about it. congrats Jessica, you got my attention.

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Yea, This Is Pretty Pathetic

Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag, also known as Speidi, have been tearing up the headlines for years now and it seems that no matter how many headlines they were making and how superficial they seemed to be, it was never enough. These two little cunts, between the two of them, had millions of dollars from The Hills but they blew on their money on shit like music production. I reported here on this blog just months back that Heidi Montag, before surgery, dumped $2 million on a new record that sold practically no copies. Of course she could have done the smart thing and released a sex tape which is like some sort of magic fairy dust when it comes to staying relevant in the tabloids but this is the bitch who did Playboy and didn't even show her nipples. What the fuck did she expect? Anyway, now they live on a $400 a week allowance from Spencer's dad. Pathetic. Truly pathetic.

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That's Why I Love Her

Demi Lovato checked herself into rehab recently after bashing some little cunt's face in. Rumor has it that she was being bullied and that shit hurt her feelings and she needed to check into rehab to get her confidence back. But now there is a report out that she is in rehab because she drank alcohol and snorted blow like a champ. This bitch could wake up every morning and shoot heroin and drink nothing but screwdrivers all day and I would still love her. I have been crushing on this bitch hardcore for over a year now and she can do no wrong in my eyes. Anyway, someone had to break the spell of goody goodyness that Disney has over their stars. I mean yea Miley will continue to flaunt her crotch around like it is a prize winning potatoe at the Utah state fair but we need a chick who is into drugs and actually likes to have a good time. That bitch is Demi Lovato. #TeamDemi!

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Bret Michaels Is Not Billy Ray Cyrus

Bret Michaels allegedly had an affair with Miley Cyrus' mom Tish but now he is coming out and denying that any affair actually took place. Miley will be 18 soon and will probably try to fuck Bret herself but for the time being, people are keeping it classy and just claiming Bret tried to bang her mom. Why anyone would wanna fuck this has-been is a mystery to me but apparently "Talk Dirty To Me" will take your career a lot further than expected.

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P!nk Is Preggers...Probably

It is being reported today that Pink is pregnant with her first child. She wanted to do it between tours and do it with that douche bag that she ragged on "So What", Carey Hart. I am not too upset about this because this bitch has an attitude problem and I wouldn't be too fond of fucking her doggy style if she was flipping me off behind her back the whole time. She is so in your face.

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How Cute

Lindsay Lohan hates her father more than anything in the world and wants him to keep his distance. But the quacks at Betty Ford think that she should meet up with him and mend fences. I have been on Michael's side for months now because Lindsay Lohan is a fucking head case and she always cops out by saying she is a drug addict because she learned bad behaviors from dear old dad. That just proves that in her mind she is still just a stupid, fucked up little kid that doesn't know anything about the big,bad, shit ugly world out there. Now they reunited and who knows what will change from here on out but I wanna see LiLo keep Michael in her life after all this drug addled bullshit is over.

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Miley Cyrus Is An Underage Drinker !!SHOCK!!

Miley Cyrus was busted in Spain drinking a Corona with some random fuckers that have tattoos. TMZ contacted Spanish authorities to see if she was in any trouble and they said as long as you are around 16, you can drink all you want. I dunno if this is Miley's first beer or if she has been sneaking airplane bottles of Jack Daniels after shows for years now but I am not surprised by this development. I am sure as soon as she is 18 she will release a sex tape because she is an attention whore like that.

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WTF?!

It seems that the people over at the Betty Ford clinic do not take themselves too seriously because they are letting Lindsay Lohan out of the clinic to do a little bit of shopping. WTF?! I have been in rehab before and those fuckers usually do not let you outside of the walls just to get your Gucci fix. I think this makes the clinic look REALLY bad. Anyway, bitch is probably bullshitting them the same way she bullshitted the court and is prolly doing lines off her bedset when they have their heads turned. I personally am grateful for LiLo's addictions because now that means I get a break from this hack. Well, sorta.

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Vanessa Minnillo Is Off The Market

It seems that that douche bag Nick Lachey has his heart set on dating the most beautiful women in the world and then marrying them. He did it with Jessica Simpson and now he is doing it with Vanessa Minnillo. Why can't this dude just make a sex tape with them and call it a day? Anyway, these two fuckers are gonna be married soon and if their honeymoon is anything like their vacation in Cabo where we saw Vanessa totally nude, then this is gonna be a great year.

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