HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

Happy Halloween freak-a-leeks! It has been a little while since I posted here but don't worry because I will be back to blogging this Tuesday. I may even fuck around and do a blog post Monday night if there is some juicy news in the gossip world. Carving pumpkins is a lot of fun every year but going around at midnight and smashing all the neighbors pumpkins to pieces is even more fun! Well, I have to go put some razor blades in some candy apples so I will talk to you all later. HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

Lindsay Lohan Sentenced To Rehab Until January 3 2011

Many, many people were disappointed this morning when Lindsay Lohan showed up to court and was expected to be sentenced to some serious jail time but instead got sentenced to rehab at The Betty Ford Clinic until Jan.3 instead. The surprising thing is that the probation office wanted her to serve 30 days for violating probation by drug testing positive for cocaine but the district attorney's office wanted her to serve 180 days behind bars! That is a little steep but I would have laughed out loud uncontrollably for about a day if that had been the case. I think this is a huge failure for judge Elden Fox and now the status quo cliche about celebrities never having to pay for their crimes is apparent now more than ever in L.A. today.

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R.I.P West Coast Choppers

It is being reported that Jesse James who got famous from his show West Coast Choppers on Discovery is closing down the shop of the same name. This kinda sucks because they made some killer bikes and this will probably hit him pretty hard financially because he was making bikes for like $80k. I used to think Jesse was a douche bag but he is/was dating Kat Von D so I guess I can give him the benefit of the doubt. I don't blame him at all for fucking that nazi though because even I would fuck her if all I had to come home to was Sandra Bullock.

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John Mayer Wants To Fuck Kim Kardashian

John Mayer as I reported yesterday has pretty much fucked every nice piece of tail in Hollywood and I will forever be jealous of him. Now he has his eyes on Kim Kardashian but since he isn't a 300 lb. football player, he will never fuck her. I never really had a thing for Kim Kardashian but if she was naked in my bed and begging for sex, I guess I would tap that shit. You gotta admire Mayer. This is definitely a challenge. I guess when you fucked every desirable chick in H-wood, you gotta make life interesting.

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Beyonce Might Be Pregnant

It has been a while since Us Weekly magazine reported something that is blatantly false but since LiLo is in rehab and the tabloid sales are WAY down I don't really blame them for making crap up for people to read. Now they are reporting that Beyonce is preggers and that she isn't all that ready to have a kid. This is simply a report and Beyonce of course hasn't confirmed just yet. I hope she is pregnant because I think Beyonce and Jay-Z are a couple of stuck up motherfuckers that need a kid to put them in check. I could give a flying fuck less if the baby destroys Beyonce's body because I would rather fuck a cactus than try to tap that shit.

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We Have A New Party Girl!

Recently on this blog I wrote about how Christina Aguilera was separating from her husband of five years but since then she has gotten divorced. I didn't report on the divorce because I didn't see it as all that newsworthy but now she is hanging out with chicks like Samantha Ronson and going to clubs in hopes to become a paprazzi target thinking that shit will boost her album sales. Of course this chick must be living under a rock because Heidi Montag is one of the biggest paprazzi targets in history and that bitch dumped $2 million on an album and it totally flopped. Anyway, this basically means that eventually we will see Christina Aguilera's vagina and if bad album sales mean seeing more of Christina, I will burn Streetside Records to the ground.

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John Mayer Hit That Shit

Taylor Swift thinks she is the best song writer in the world and thinks that every little thing that happens to her in her life merits a song. I'll take a double espresso please, oooh, that would be good lyrics. Nice hair Taylor! That is going in my song book. Pretty soon this chick will be singing about taking a dump. Anyway, she wrote a song called Dear John which is being speculated that it is about John Mayer who she collaborated with in 2009. John is pretty much my idol because he has been able to have sex with pretty much all the hot chicks in Hollywood. If I were in John Mayer's shoes I would do my best to have anal with Jessica Alba and then blow my head off because there is literally nothing in this world left to do.

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I Want A Katy Perry Sex Tape

Recently Russel Brand, Katy Paerry's boyfriend, was asked about the future of the relationship he has with the starlet and he said "Maybe we'll make a sex tape". Of course he was only joking but that is exactly what this asshole needs to do. I hate it when people date super hot chicks who are famous and has sex with them over a million times and it never even dawns on them to make a sex tape. I know there are a lot of celebrity sex tapes out there but it is a very small number when compared to how many celebrities are actually having sex. The Olsen twins, Demi Lovato, Hayden Panettierre and a bunch of other smokin' hot hottys are out there that are willingly getting laid and no one has the record button pushed. Of course when Russel is done singing and dancing in movies and juggling for him fans like the smacked out monkey that he is, he will lose as relevance and he will need a sex tape to fall back on so when people see him when he is walking down the street they can say " Hey! YOu see that guy? He TOTALLY tapped Katy Perry's ass!" He could be a hero.

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Kate Moss Is Off The Market

Kate Moss is one of the hottest chicks in the world and I miss the days when her drugged out ass was in the tabloids literally every single day for some stupid shit her and her boyfriend at the time, Pete Doherty, did. I REALLY miss those day. They were the glory days for a smokin' hot model who lived up to every single model stereotype from using cocaine to stay skinny to puking up her food. Now this other unworthy asshole married her in Sicily. This makes me very sad but at the same time I accept it because it will only last for about 6 months before she realizes how hot she is and dumps his sorry ass and comes back to me. I will make her beg for about 3 seconds then I will tackle her and have my way for the next several hours.

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Michael Lohan Is Brilliant!

Michael Lohan is now telling reporters that if he gets denied at Betty Ford clinic to see Lindsay one more time he is going to get hammered and get arrested and admitted into Betty Ford so he can visit with his daughter. I am not sure if they would even put him in the same wing as her but it is a novel idea. Ever since forever ago when this whole Lindsay Lohan debacle began and she made it clear to the press and everyone else that she hates her father, I have been on #TeamLindsay. Only because I have met a few drug addicts in my day and 90% of them like to blame it on someone else when they are in denial and LiLo is DEFINITELY in denial and likes to blame it all on papa Lohan. I can't wait for this to all go down. It will be VERY entertaining.

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James Holzier Makes Me Wish I Was A Chick

There are a lot of Hollywood actors I do not pay attention to mainly because they do not have a vagina. I cut back on bikini pics and nipple slips lately because it is becoming more and more apparent that a lot of people who read my blog are at work and check out my stories on their lunch break. Hence #LunchHourLinks on Twitter. Every now and then a celebrity crosses my path that I see great potential in. One of those celebrities is James Holzier. He is one of those actors that I am sure the ladies love but is also the type of actors that guys look at and go green with envy. I look at Zach Efron and Robert Pattinson and I see their chiseled abs and awesome hair and it makes me wanna become an actor but first I have to jog off this beer gut and start lifting some weights. Anyway, this James dude seems like he may be a big deal in Hollywood in a short time and usually I can not predict who will be famous or who will be "hot or not" in the near future but I am confident when I make the prediction that this guy is going places. Keep an eye out for him. Also, you can peep his profile over at IMDB.com. They always have a lot of good info over there.

LiLo Tried To Flee Betty Ford

Lindsay Lohan is sick of tired of being in rehab and she is starting to break rules. In the Betty Ford rehab clinic caffeine is strictly prohibited but her and some other rehab patient jumped a fence in an attempt to go to another building on the property and use their vending machine for a Coca-Cola. She probably would have gotten away with it too if it wasn't for the other patient's wardrobe getting caught on a fence and then causing them to flag down a staff member to free him/her. I hope this is brought up in court and shows to the public that Lindsay Lohan is not taking rehab seriously at all. Court date is 9 days away. Will she go back to jail? Wait and find out.

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Slam DUNK!

Jim carrey was out at some club or some shit and he hooked up with this mega hottie named...Jill. I don't know her name and it doesn't really matter because she is super hot and rivals the hotness of Jenny McCarthy if that is even possible. I don't blame him for not wanting to be with Jenny anymore after hearing her say on Howard Stern that she doesn't like anal. I am an ass man so this is a huge chink in her armor in my opinion. Anyway, let's hope Jim gets some anal tonight with this new hot young'un.

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Christina Aguilera Is Back On The Market

Hallelujah! Christina Aguilera is finally splitting from that fucktard douche bag who took Christina off the market at the height of her fame and sexiness. I know that getting a divorce will not narrow those post birth hips of hers but she is still one of the sexiest women alive and I can not wait to see if she starts hitting up the local night clubs and getting stupid drunk and fucking everyone that moves. I want the dirrty Xtina back. That bitch who wanted nothing more than to lure guys to her shows and have them wait anxiously for a wardrobe malfunction. Maybe this bitch will finally go all the way and pose for Playboy? Whoo knows? All I know is that the sky is the limit for this starlet now. I am so excited!

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Courtney Cox Hates Sex

David Arquette hasn't had sex with his wife Courtney Cox in months. Or so he claims on the Howard Stern Show. They have been married for quite some time now and now they want to get divorced or separated which is Hollywood code for divorce. The good news? Courtney Cox is back on the market motherfuckers! This is probably the best news I heard all day. Until I heard Xtina is back on the market. Post coming soon.

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That Chuck Norris Guy Did A Marathon

Remember the 2008 presidental campaign and that Mike Huckabee guy who was in love with Jesus kept showing up at campaign fundraisers with Chuck Norris? Well, he used to weigh like 500 punds and he got into shape by doing a marathon. I would love to do a marathon someday and I wanna get into better shape but since I am a sleek 175 pounds, I don't really need to do anything. A bunch of celebs have done a marathon. For a full list go here.

Crystal Bowersox Is Off The market

Some chick named Crystal Bowersox who was on American Idol got married to some musician this Sunday. She is far away from what I would call hot so I could care less about this courtship. I am sure her and her husband will sit around the house all day working on their vocal range and trying to figure out how to expand their 15 minutes of fame. Good luck with that.

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Banksy Hits The Simpsons

Banksy is probably the best grafitti artist in the world. I love his work and he has done some amazing work over the years. Now he hit up The Simpsons intro. I dunno if this was the intro to last night's episode but II don't really care because I stopped watching this show once I hit puberty. Anyway, it is hysterical and depressing at the same time. One thing can be said about Banksy, he is a GENIUS!

Lindsay Lohan Is Lacking Technology In Rehab

Lindsay Lohan is in rehab for some time now and will remain there until her October 22 court date. I hope the judge throws her sorry ass in jail for violation of probation, which is what I am guessing she will do but in the meantime, LiLo needs a way to pass the time in rehab. Now it is being reported that Lindsay Lohan can only use her phone, e-mail and Twitter for two hours a day in rehab. I have been to rehab before and usually all types of technology is banned. So this little cunt should consider herself lucky. I am looking forward to seeing this little bitch get thrown behind bars again and then when she finally does sober up and start making the rounds in Hollywood again, I am looking forward to not seeing that constipated look on her face. Drugs make people look so ugly.

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Breet Favre Exposed Himself

Brett Favre who should be retired tried to seduce some slut that works for the NY Jets and now it is coming back to bite him in the ass. As far as I know, Favre is a married man with children but now this bitch is leaking the voice mails and text pics out for the world to see. What the fuck is up with athletes these days? Can't they keep their dick in their pants? And why the fuck can't female athletes try to cheat on their spouse? I would love it if Anna Kournikova text pic'd a picture of her gash. That is what I wanna see. Anyway, NSFW pics and vid over at Deadspin.

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Angus T. Jones Is Richer Than You

You know that little shithead on Two And A Half Men? He is the guy who is always talking about wiping his butt and most recently scores with two chick a night. Anyway, this dude is now raking in $300k per episode. He also got a $500k sign on bonus. The show is a huge success which means he will continue to get rich by not making us laugh. I think Sheen and thos Cryer dude is funny as hell but Angus T. Jones is just a waste of space in my opinion.

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Michael Lohan Was Denied

Michael Lohan is doing everything in his power to be a good father to his daughter, Lindsay, and every time he gets within ear shot of her she freaks out and does a line of blow. He tried to visit Lindsay in the Betty Ford Clinic but the people there said he came after visiting hours. Then he asked if he was on the "no contact list" and they told him that he was not. So I guess that is good. That is what I wanna see from Lindsay. I don't care if she is hooked on drugs and battling an addiction to alcohol. I wanna see this cunt step up to the plate and talk to her dad again. I know I am fishing for the moon in the water but we will see what happens.

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Courtney Love Quits Twitter

This is the photo that got Courtney Love to quit Twitter. Bitch is obviously retarded because she posted the pic herself. You don't quit Twitter because you saw naked pics of yourself on there THAT YOU POSTED! Anyway, this is probably the grossest pic of Courtney Love I have seen in a long time. And I am glad she is gone. That is all.

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Justin Bieber Will Host Punk'd

Justin Bieber is probably the most popular person in the world right now. And it is rumored that this little shit stain brings in $300k for every performance he does. He will probably be worth over $100 million by the end of 2010 but it isn't his music that is making the rounds in the headlines today. MTV has officially announced that they are bring back Punk'd, Aston Kutcher's old show and Justin Bieber will be the host. This is just fucking crazy considering that when someone gets Punk'd, they won't laugh it off with a top socialite. They will see that they are getting Punk'd by some punk 14-year-old and will probably knock him out. I give the show one season. This is going to end badly.

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Britney Spears Conservatorship. Ending?

It is being reported today that Britney Spears and her multi year conservatorship which is headed by her father Jamie Spears may be ending soon. Of course these reports are being circulated by Radar so I would take it with a huge grain of salt. I am curious though. WTF would Britney do if she had access to the HUGE sums of money she has accumulated over the years? Would she finally try to end the alimony payments that she gives to K-Fed every month? That fucker makes $22k a month off this bitch. We will see. Maybe Britney can become the new LiLo while she gets her life together.

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Jolie-Pitt Younguns Start School In Budapest. WTF!?

Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt think that the best place for their kids to go to school is in Budapest. I swear some celebrities are fucking retarded but Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie take the fucking cake. It is bad enough that their first born is a fucking boy ( who is actually a girl) and that they have to deal with the complication of having their entire lives surrounded by paprazzi but now Brad and Angelina think the best thing for them is to start school in another fucking country. Retards. Seriously. Retards!

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J.Lo Still A Dive, Talentless

Jennifer Lopez or J.Lo as I like to call her has been a judge on American Idol for...2 seconds now and she is already butting heads with Ryan Seacrest because he probably looked at her the wrong way or some shit. She is hot as fuck but her butt is too big and I could give a shit less about her music because her songs pretty much always sucked and I would rather listen to that skeleton husband of hers Marc Anthony than listen to a single song of hers. She is too big of a diva to be on American Idol and Fox will regret it very soon and then after this season the show will get cancelled because the harsh and true reality will set in that they do not have a show without Simon Cowell. And that is a fact. Hell even that bitch Ellen DeGeneres left the show and that bitch thrives on attention. Basically, American Idol is now a revolving door for judges and anyone who wants to be on the show can be on it and as far as the sinbging talent, they produced Carrie Underwood and Kelly Clarkson out of thousands, maybe even millions of hopefuls. Good job, losers. The only judge that will remain on the show is Randy Jackson because he is pretty much a no one without the show. He will be one of the dudes on TMZ in the "memba them?" section.

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Speidi Staged Divorce Is Off

It was rumored that Heidi Montag was going to divorce Spencer Pratt at the beginning of the summer but then everyone found out that the two had not split at all and had in fact been living together in a rented house in Costa Rica. Now they are saying the divorce is off. Don't they mean the publicity stunt? Anyway, no dude wants to put his dick in butterface. I mean...I do... but that would be more for the sake of me saying that I fucked Heidi Montag and not exactly a thing I would tell my best friends and expect a high five or a fist bump. Speidi still reigns on the tabloids.

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Britney Spears Is Still Under A Conservatorship

I thought I would use this picture of Britney Spears cause I thought it would be funny to look back at the days when Britney was sexually attractive and totally sane in a story that revolves around her being not hot, therefore irrelevant, and not sane at all. Yesterday there wasa court hearing for the law to see where Britney Spears stands in her conservatorship and it was ruled that the conservatorship will continue. Apparently this bitch doesn;t have her shit together enough to get out of it but that is not surprising at all. If things keep going the way they are, she will be under a conservatorship until her parents die and then K-Fed would have to take over. He would love that shit. Then he could be relevant again. That would be great.

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First Pics Of LiLo In Preclink Clinic

Lindsay Lohan has been in rehab for a while now but I have been busy and didn't have time to blog about it. Also, I didn't wanna do a 3 page post on how pissed off I am that this little cunt isn't rotting in a jail cell. According to a few sources LiLo will beg the judge to not go back to jail and instead stay in rehab where she will pull one over, again, on the staff and get them to release her early where she will no doubtedly use drugs again. This bitch is a broken record and the only thing that will get her sober is if she is scared straight by going to jail. And none of that "safe jail" bullshit. Put her out in the regular public. Make her go to dinner with these other criminals and let her get her ass beat a few times before putting her in administrative segregation. Anyway, here is the first pic of her in rehab and she looks a lot better than the first pics of Britney Spears in rehab when those pics surfaced (shaved head) but that isn't saying much.

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